happy

What does it mean to be happy? I have been trying to figure out what being happy even is and so far I have failed. Would it mean to be

enjoying life
smiling
laughing
living life to the fullest
loving

Right?

But what does it mean to be all those things? I am someone who doesn't enjoy life, rarely smiles, doesn't really laugh, living life to the fullest, doesn't love much.

I haven't ever really done any of those things, smile, laugh, live, without faking it. Someday, I want to figure out what being happy truly means and be happy.

I worry too much. I worry about everything. I am not happy. I am not satisfied. I am nothing, it seems. But I want to quit worrying. I want to be happy. I want to be satisfied.

Last night I text a good friend of mine saying that I was gonna change who I am by wearing make-up, doing my hair, taking my anti-depressants again, eat regularly, and then I will be satisfied. It seems like those are the only things in my life that are regular and less stressful than life itself. But those are materialistic things and I think there will still be a whole in my heart after it all.

Why is there a whole in my heart?