Next Time I Will be ________.

More often than not, bridges are burned down by actions or words that one can never take back. It would seem, however, that pretty much everything in this world is incapable of being taken back or returned due to its nature or the pure fact that harm has already been done. 

It is painful to realize when one's actions and words have burned down a bridge. This bridge made now of ashes was once a healthy and vibrant bridge that assisted one in getting to a different point in their life. One that was more positive, healthy, meaningful, colorful and trusting, but also honest. 

Today, this bridge is no longer existing because of one action, and numerous words that were filled with pain, anger and distrust. Two and a half weeks ago, it was spoken: "Wherever life takes you, I hope it treats you well. Good bye." and it was heartbreaking to write.

Trying to not hurt those around one when they are in pain, an emotional pain that never seems to dissipate fully, brings people to think abnormal to their normal thinking. It would seem as though that is just an excuse made to lessen the sting of the blow, however, sometimes it seems as though one gets overtaken, pushed down, squashed by the stinging that the truth does not come out, but rather lies. 

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I just want to take bake everything that I said that I know is hurtful and the actions that I know only make things worse. I feel horrible inside because my giant failure of an attempt to break off the friendships that I value in hopes of not hurting them because of the pain I feel inside, only causes the cookie to become a mush of disgustingness that may or may not ever result in another cookie, ever again. 

Things will probably never ever be the same, or even remotely similar. Part of me says I should just give up and move on as they probably already have. However, part of me says that I should not give up, but what in the world that looks like, I have no clue. 

I know this person may be reading this post right and thinking that what I am saying is hell, I have no idea what they are thinking. All I know is what I feel and think, and I know I hurt them. I am so very sorry because of that. I just hope that they will be willing to turn the page and start over with me. Maybe, just maybe, once in a blue moon, they and I will be able to actually sit and talk face-to-face rather than online or over text. 

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I don't like living this way, and I want to change. Not only do I want to change because of all the mush I have created in my life, but I need to. How?

one step at a time.