A new part of my life is starting to unfold.
I am starting to realize things that I never knew existed or anything of the sort.
I am not really sure what to think right now.
I told him that I wouldn't cry once I left, and technically I didn't since it's been almost 30 some hours since then, but here i am lying on my bed with the tears starting to fall down my parched cheeks.
My heart feels like it is broken into a million little pieces.
I am numb, emotionless, lifeless.
It hurts.
I never thought that it would hurt like this.
I don't like being in pain.
I don't like to hurt.
I don't like to be broken and unsure how to piece myself back together.
I am trying to work through the things we have been talking about.
I feel as though I have been doing fairly well.
I know it was not smart of me to buy the pack of smokes with my tendencies being what they are.
I also know that if I did not buy them, the temptation would always be there.
I also know that I would need to smoke one cigarette to affirm my disgust in my smoking.
Affirmation of my disgust has been affirmed with which I will be throwing the pack out when I take the garbage out in the afternoon.
Similarly, I know that keeping sharp objects, especially scissors, near my bed or in my bags is very unwise and potentially harmful.
I know that I need to eat more than a granola bar every three to four hours so as to maintain health and appetite.
I know that I need to continually remind myself that I have value and worth.
I know that I need to be physically active, such as running or skating or working out, so as to maintain mental stability.
I know that I need to be constantly aware of my surroundings so as to not have temptations that could assist in my slipping backward.
I know that I need to have a fairly regular and/or consistent schedule of activities in order to not find myself thinking about and doing harmful activities.
I know that I must be cautious with the music that I listen to as music can alter one's mood drastically.
I also know that for me, boredom is not beneficial to my well-being.
I know that I am in no way perfect, but rather a human being seeking balance in life.
I know that change is definitely not an overnight process but rather a timely but worthwhile process that does not have a time stamp on it.
I know that in order to move forward, it must be done one step at a time, slowly.
I know that in the end, whenever it may be, all this hard work and all these thought changes will be worth it!
I know that I need to be supported and encouraged by those around me.
I know that I need to support, encourage, and listen to those around me.
I acknowledge that I am not the only one who struggles with various tasks and thoughts.
I acknowledge that I am not exactly in a , well actually, I am not in a stable position at the moment.
I am coming to realize that when I am getting cranky, depressed, or harmful that it is time to go to bed; time to stop doing whatever I am doing and go to sleep.
I am starting to ingrain in my brain that each day is a new day with it's own challenges and joys.
I am starting to affirm or disaffirm that which I thought to be true.
I am starting to find out the truths of various things.
I am slowly starting to notice changes that I am making, and for that, I am finding a sense of happiness I knew not of.
You help me to move forward even when I feel as though the mountain will never be climbed, but rather it must be accomplished one step at a time.
You help me to realize that each step takes time.
You help me to realize that there is not much about any part of change that can be analyzed exactly to how long it will take, what it will look like, etc.
You help me to realize things from a different perspective.
You help me to move forward, one step at a time.
"Don't let anyone tell you it's not in the plan if you truly, passionately believe it's the right thing. Rewrite the plan and change the course of your life to chase the call of your heart.
No one knows you better than you." (J.S.)
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