Would it Even Matter?!?!

Would it Matter

-Skillet-

If I wasn't here tomorrow
Would anybody care
If my time was up I wanna know
You were happy I was there
If I wasn't here tomorrow
Would anyone lose sleep
If I wasn't hard and hollow
Then maybe you would miss me

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I like better
I can never forget
So don't remind me of it forever

What if I just pulled myself together
Would it matter at all
What if I just try not to remember
Would it matter at all
All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try
Would it matter at all

If I wasn't here tomorrow
Would anybody care
Still stuck inside this sorrow
I've got nothing and going nowhere

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I like better
I can never forget
So don't remind me of it forever

What if I just pulled myself together
Would it matter at all
What if I just try not to remember
Would it matter at all
All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try
Would it matter at all

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I like better
Can you help me forget
Don't wanna feel like this forever...forever

What if I just pulled myself together
Would it matter at all
What if I just try not to remember
Would it matter at all
All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try

If I live tomorrow
Would anybody care
Stuck in this sorrow
Going nowhere

All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try
Would it matter at all

--------------------------

There are people that come into our lives that we think are positive influences but in all reality, are they really positive or do they simply appear to be positive?? If they do in fact prove to be negative then would it really matter to them what would happen to me? I know they would probably say that it would matter to them but for what reasons? Just for personal gain? Sure, there are a few and far between that would actually care if something happened to me and not just for personal gain but because they really do, truly care about me.

All too often I fear that one of my friends, especially those really close to me, would take their life. Sadly enough, it has happened before, within the past year actually, and it killed me. It killed me worse than my Uncle Brian's death, or even my Papa's death!!! This really close friend of mine combined tylenol and a liter of alcohol one night while I was chatting online with them. After a little bit of time passed, I tried to call them in hopes that it wasn't actually happening. Their mom answered the phone and thought I had the wrong number; I knew I didn't have the wrong number!

Then there was no response.

It was late at night and the only option for me to calm down was to go for a run. I dragged my friend out of friend and out into the cold and dark for a run. I ran as fast as I could as far as I could until I broke down in tears along side the road. There was nothing my friend could do to console me. I felt as though every single part of me had been cut out with a butter knife while I was wide/completely/fully awake. There was sooooo much pain and numbness and anger and regret and emotions that words could not accurately explain.

I left my facebook online all night in hopes that there would be a sign of life from their end of the chat.

there was no life

none at all

I threw myself into bed and didn't cry, I sobbed so hard that I am sure that the whole dorm could have heard me. Even as I write, that pain comes back, so vividly that I am trying to hold the flood gates from flooding my face with tears, uncontrollable tears. This friend was truly one of the best friends I ever had! There really was none like this friend. It was the first of May,a Sunday and they were "drinking myself silly over a girl".

I still had to continue with my day, go to brunch as planned, work on homework due the next day, and all the while the thought that one of my best friends had killed their self that night and I could not do anything to stop them or anything killed me!!! I was beyond irritable, did not want to be around anyone. You could have thought that one of my parents or sisters or Granma or Gramma had died.

I was dead inside, through and through.

It was the afternoon when my friend finally responded to my messages on chat.

I was filled with happiness, energy, sorrow, regret, hatred, everything and so much more. I was happy they were alive but I was hurting so deeply and still hurt to this day.

Dear friend, it matters so much to me our deep/intimate/amazing friendship, trust, honesty, everything. I can see the changes happening in your life and its amazing to watch where you've been and where you are going! I don't want you to ever think you are alone in this world. Yes, there will be sorrow-filled and painful days, and there will be happy and amazing days, and of course the days in between, but in the end, it will all be worth it! There are people out there that care about you, sure, it may seem like few and far between but that is better than none at all. It would matter....... to me!

Sincerely,

Amber